I think my new drag name will be: "Chia Boob"


also, new product I'll be selling.  ACT NOW!

IN HONOUR OF BILLY MAYS I'M LEAVING MY CAPS LOCK ON ALL DAY

I feel bad for the gays. Most of us had a fantasy involving Billy Mays. Of course, it usually involved a ballgag, but still....

"Heeeeeeeeerreeeeeeessss Faaaaraaaaaahhhhhh"

"Heeeeeeeereeeeesssssssss Michaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeelll"


God: "Stop it Ed"



What? Too soon? 

Just want to let everyone know that I am having a great time in Hawai'i.  Except the other day when I got raped by the Pacific Ocean. I have sand so far up my hoohoo, I've decided to leave it there and make a pearl.

We're sending Robin home tonight. His skin can't handle another day blistering in the sun. Some of you would probably loving apply aloe to him, I'm more of a "roll my eyes and yell I TOLD YOU SO" kind of guy though.

Heading out for breakfast soon. Our hosts, Rob and Jerry have been lovely and gracious letting us stay in their beautiful condo and showing us all around the island. Of course, nothing says thank you like lying around in front of them in your tighty whities - ladies & gentlemen: my boyfriend.

Yesterday we went zip-lining through the rain forest which is only terrifying the first couple of lines. Once you feel secure, you can appreciate the beautiful scenery, not limited to "Moses" the Hawaiian guide (hubba hubba). Of course, it's hard to feel sexy once you've peed your shorts.

Three and half more days in paradise. I may upload some pictures later, or then again I may just get drunk on Rob's crazy delicious Pina Coladas.

This beach in Hawaii is crazy beautiful! But, the bathroom is so far, I feel like I just came back from a spirit walk.


My new name is Nomopee

First day of vacation. Insanely busy couple of weeks trying to get work projects under control. Haven't had much time to post, figures that the first moment I would have would be in an airport - story of my life.

Off to a shitty start, flights came in late last night, which means they leave late today, which means we miss our connection to Lihui. UA desk agent was clearly stressed trying to reschedule us. Who would have thought so many people were going to Hawaii in June. She moved us onto a flight that was already oversold that will get us in 7 hours later. Which I think is funny because somehow she guaranteed us a seat but obviously someone else is getting bumped. Such is the dog-eat-dog of air travel.

First time using my Nexus card so I got pulled aside for interrogation. So far this Nexus thing has turned out to be nothing but a huge pain in the ass, well not reall - the cavity search was so amateur.

We now have 7 hours to kill in SF. No idea what we'll do, I guess maybe go look around a bit and then head back to the airport. I'm bummed because I just want to get to the Island.

For anyone that is interested, we are staying on Kuaaiaiia - but I never know when stop spelling Hawaiian words.

I don't want to set expectations too high, but so far today I've composed an email and photocopied my hand.

Upper management, here I come.

Does this perfectly folded fitted-sheet make me look gay?

I laugh in the face of anthropomorphism.

Boss called wondering why I'm not in today. The blanket tossed over a clump of pillows on my office chair didn't work as planned.

Thank you jpeace  for making my day.  Watch this video because the best part about it is a stadium full of jocks screaming I WISH I WAS A TEENAGE GIRL!

I've ordered one of these online and it has taken care of the neighbours cat problem. And the neighbour. And her car.Oh and her house is just a pile of matchsticks.

jpeace is the Julia Sugarbaker of LiveJournal

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1. It is a really obscure number and you have probably never heard of it.

2. Who cares? The light bulb was better before it changed.

3. At least 5 to scrape enough change together to buy the light bulb in the first place.

4. However many Pitchfork says it takes to change a light bulb

5. Who cares? it'll just be another tired rehashing of the way Lou Reed changes light bulbs.

6. Only 3 when they did it at the black cat, but this time through town it took 9 for some reason.

7. Nobody changes lightbulbs since they signed with that major label.

8. Two. One to change it in an ironic fashion and one to get it.

9. Who can tell through these fake hornrims and manicured scruff?

10. *sigh* I have this joke on vinyl.

"Amen" is Christian for "Abracadabra"

Client: "The datafile I created for you - I closed it and didn't save."

Me: "You can restore it."

Client: "Really! How?"

Me: "Just go into control panel, under Leprechaun Magic."

Client: "I hate you."

What the hell am I suppose to do when life hands me lemmings?

Ok, I HAVE to get this bumper sticker:

One thing I have to say about the Star Trek movie is that it is the best Winona Ryder movie I have ever seen.

I love Saturday mornings when Robin brings me a cheese bun from the Chinese bakery at the end of the block. They are SO good, I just want to hump that cheese bun until it screams the safe word. Just kidding, we don't have a safe word.

*hump*hump*hump*

Sometimes I worry I'm too emotionally invested in LiveJournal. Like, the way David Carradine was.



Whoops. Was that too soon?

I'm trying to remember the last time I made an LJ entry without hyperbole in it. It was probably a thousand years ago.

Dear shirtless muscled unshaven construction worker with the tattoos and thick hairy forearms : STOP MAKING ME GAY

Sometimes I think the phrase "I'm a very spiritual person" is code for "I cherry pick the bits of bullshit that make me feel good".

I need some advice. For a few years now we have had tensions simmering with the woman across the back lane. It all started a while back when a different neighbour seemed completely apathetic to the feral cats he had living under his house. These cats would frequently howl and fornicate and spray all night underneath the bedroom window. So Robin took it upon himself to start trapping cats. That's right, we're THOSE people that trap your cat and take it away.

The woman across the lane has a curious kitty that is obviously not feral but still likes to roam the adjacent properties and consequently we have, at least 2 or 3 times, captured her cat and taken it to the city pound. The city charges a hefty fee for having these animals returned and this has caused some angry words between her and Robin. The feral cat problem seemed to go away so I asked Robin to put the trap away; until this last week he'd pulled it out again and started trapping because he was kept up one night last week by a noisy cat. Which I think is funny considering how he snores, but I digress.

Simmering tensions have exploded into an all-out battle. Late last week the trap was stolen off of our deck. We have no evidence it is this woman but she seems a likely suspect. Robin immediately went out purchased a new trap and now has it chained to the deck. As well, she has now gotten the city involved. Yesterday a notice was placed on our door that we had too much refuse in the back yard. They've also sent us a letter reporting that a neighbour complained that our grass was too long. Today a peace officer showed up at the door and said a complaint had been filed that we were poisoning cats with anti-freeze and disposing of them.

Clearly it has gotten out of hand. Fortunately I was the one to deal with the peace officer, and had a rational conversation with him and he seemed satisified after inspecting the trap that everything was on the up and up. I assured him that we would never harm an animal and that this was really about a issue with a particular neighbour.

Here's my dilemna: I am tempted to go over and just bury the hatchet in her head with this woman. Perhaps we come to agreement that we won't set the trap except for at night and if by chance we do get her cat we would call her or return it to her first. Personally I don't have a problem with cats. I actually don't think they are bad to have around and they help control rodent problems. Clearly it is a complicated issue, I know some people don't want them urinating and defacting in the yard - I live with one of those people. But on the other hand I am a little put out by how far she is taking this issue when in my mind she is technically in the wrong. I am very offended that she would make up stories about us poisoning animals and I  am tempted to report the stolen trap to the police in case this continues to escalate between us.

Do we make peace or make war?